


All of the broken hearts and the stupid mistakes

by LouiseLouise



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 17:13:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21149288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouiseLouise/pseuds/LouiseLouise
Summary: Buck is back on the team and everyone seems okay with that, everyone but Eddie, who's still not ready to forgive what happened.





	All of the broken hearts and the stupid mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> Happens after s03e05, best to watch the episode before reading!
> 
> Unbeta'd, all mistakes are mine
> 
> Title from James TW "You & Me"

It used to be so easy, being in the same room with Buck, but now… now everything is a mess in Eddie's life. 

He's at the station, lifting weight like every morning before a shift, thinking about how before all that, before the lawsuit, Buck would be the one helping him. Instead Buck is talking with Chimney. Laughing like nothing happened, like Buck never betrayed him. Them, betrayed all of them. Those past days Eddie's watched everyone else move on and forgive Buck while something inside him whispered that he should too. Buck was his best friend and that's what best friends do, right? Understand. Forgive. But something else, a voice louder kept being angry and wanting him to shout. To yell the way he did in the grocery store.   
That day he felt a little better, as long as he kept pouring out his anger. The voice inside had seemed to calm down. For one minute. But it got loud again and joining the fighting ring that night was Eddie hoping it would quiet the voice for good. It didn't. 

Chimney heads toward the kitchen and Eddie can see Buck now walking toward the bench he's on, all 6’2 of smile and hopes. It's too much. Too soon. Eddie almost jumps away from the bench to get away as fast as he can, seeking a safe place in the locker room.

Buck follows him there, because of course he does and now it's only the two of them in an empty room and Eddie freezes.

"Hey", Buck says softly.  
Eddie shakes his head because there's no way he's letting his mouth utter any word right now when all he wants is to shout at his best friend. Not that they're really best friends these days. Maybe there's nothing left of that, nothing to save.

"Eddie talk to me please." Buck's voice is both a delight that Eddie's been missing and a trigger for all the anger bottled up inside him.

Buck takes a step forward. "I can apologise every day for the rest of our lives if that's what it takes to make you trust me again."

Eddie shakes his head again. This is not what he needs from Buck. He's not sure what it is exactly that he needs but it's not excuses. He heard those words the multiple times Buck apologised before and not once did it help him move on.

"There has to be something I can do, Eddie? Okay, there has to because we are… you and I, we..." Buck stays quiet for a second. 

You and I. You and I. Eddie feels a knot in his heart thinking about what that used to mean. What he sometimes thought about, when Buck's shoulder touched his. When he smiled for no other reason than being in the same room with each other. All the feelings that got buried during the lawsuit.

"I'm not a quitter Eddie. I fought to get my job back and yes maybe it was a terrible way to fight okay, I see that now but- what I mean, Eddie, is that I will fight for you just as hard, if you let me.”

Eddie clenches his fists, all his anger gathered under the skin, ready to explode.  
"The lawsuit is behind us," Buck continues, "and I'm back here, with the team and I really want this to work. And truth is I'm not sure why you're the only one who can't forgive me, so maybe if you talked to me…"  
“Shut up,” Eddie cuts him, his voice harsher than he expected.  
“Okay,” Buck says softly.  
“No,” Eddie raises his voice, “no not okay, nothing about this is okay,” he says, his hands moving around fueled with anger. “You made me choose a side, Buck, at that fucking arbitration meeting you made me choose between you and Bobby. I had to take a side between my captain and my best friend, how do you think I felt, uh?”  
“I- I didn’t realize that,” Buck’s smile vanishes. “I never wanted to- I didn’t think-”  
“You didn’t think, yeah, that’s the problem Buck you never think about anything except you, right?”  
Buck takes a step back and the dumbfounded look on his face shakes Eddie. “That’s not, sorry that’s-” Eddie realizes what he just said, too late to take it back. “I didn’t mean that, okay, I know what you did for Christopher and- shit, this is exactly why I didn’t want to talk.” There’s so much pain in Buck's eyes now, caused by his own rage.

"It wasn't about me pushing you away,” Buck says, his voice unsteady. “This all thing, the lawsuit it was just me thinking about my future. Making sure I had one. Because outside of this station..."  
Eddie sighs. "I know that, it's just…"  
“You felt betrayed? And angry because you couldn’t talk to your teammate?” Buck asks. “Well now you know how I felt when Bobby kicked me out of the team without even talking to me before, and took the one thing I do that I can be proud of.”

“Buck…” Eddie has no idea how to respond to that. Buck’s words start to settle in his mind. All the rage inside him, the fear of losing that one good thing, the fear of losing Buck and whatever they had built. That sense of safety and stability, after all they’d both been through, disappearing slowly as Buck’s lawyer kept talking, as the days apart from one another kept passing.

So yeah, Eddie can understand, if he’s being honest. But before he can say so Buck is taking one more step toward the door, the saddest look in his eyes.  
“You don’t want me here, I get it. I can fight for you but I’m not gonna fight against you.”   
As Buck turns to leave, Eddie grabs his arm, instinct kicking in.

“Wait,” Eddie says, his hand wrapped around Buck’s wrist. “I’m sorry okay, I was angry at you for bailing on me, and on Chris, and-” he takes a deep breath, “maybe it brought back the memories of Shannon, another very important person in my life, bailing on us and breaking our hearts, and how I swore I’d never go through that again but- but she died, and you could’ve died stuck under that truck and... it was just too painful. And maybe I-," Eddie sighs, "I blamed you for more than what was your doing. Maybe. Probably.”  
“Okay,” Buck says, a smile on the corner of his lips. “That kind of feels good to hear. Not in a happy to hear you were miserable way though, you know?”  
Eddie smiles back, fingers softly caressing Buck’s hand now. “Don’t do that again, okay?”  
“What, get stuck under a truck? I can’t really prom-”  
Eddie goes for a hug and Buck's arms are around him in a second.   
“Break my heart,” Eddie says, mouthing the words against Buck's neck. “Don’t break my heart, okay?”  
“Oh,” Buck says, letting go of Eddie just enough to look at him. “That, I can promise.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah,” Buck says, leaning in, his lips on Eddie’s mouth, soft and welcoming.


End file.
